Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Dark Confessions

I'm behind on blogging.  Really behind.  I've had birthday parties, random stuff, and Special Olympics to blog about.  

A couple of weeks ago I wrote this post though.  It's outdated now as Brian's birthday has passed but I still want to share it.  I didn't know if I was going to share it, I just saved it as a draft.  I was scared to be judged or looked upon badly because I had these feelings.  Then last night I was reading Kim Rossi Stagliano's book (which I love!) and she said in one of the chapters that sometimes her daughters' birthdays can depress her.  It made me think I wasn't alone and to put on my big girl panties and just post this damn thing already.  

So here you go- a week too late.  And I'll try to get those happy posts out soon!

Brian's birthday is coming up.

Most of the time I get really mushy about these things.

However, there is this one thing that pops up every once in a while.

I don't say it out loud because it's depressing.  I usually don't even let myself finish the sentence when it's in my own head.  Yet, I think I try to be honest here.  This is a place for me to let it all out.  My place to confront the thoughts I don't want to admit I have.  I confront them, then I move on and enjoy the positive things.

So here it is.  I'm putting it out there.

Brian's birthday sometimes depresses me.

I feel like another year has gone by and he's still so behind.  I feel like we just lost another year where no big gains have been made.  Maybe there were things I should have been doing but wasn't.  Another year of so many steps back and not enough forward.  Another year of "what ifs?".

I know this probably makes no sense since this past year really has been successful for him.  And I know I can look back at my hundreds of posts and see that he has made gains.  Yet, he is still years behind developmentally.

And it breaks my heart.

I know I talk about acceptance a lot.  Yet, I do, honestly, struggle with it.  It is effin' hard for me to accept that my little boy may never catch up to his peers.  It is so effin' hard for me to accept that his life as an adult may be nothing like I had hoped it to be.  It is so freakin' hard for me to accept that he may not be able to experience the joys of life that we all take for granted.  It effin' kills me to think that instead of looking at jobs and colleges and girlfriends and traveling when he turns 18, we may instead be looking at group home choices.

So another year has gone by and we're still kicking.  We're still fighting to get my little boy's future as bright as it can be.

And he's still here reminding me of how perfect he is, no matter what.  That smile of his really can bring me back down to earth and help me put things into perspective.

I'll get over this wall, like I do every time I run into it.


Lizbeth said...

Thing is you're not alone in those thoughts. I dislike the school carnival as it is a blantant show of how far behind my son is. But we go and he has fun and I love him all the more because of it.

Tessa aka Mama Apples said...

Big hugs to you.

Lynn said...

I feel exactly the same way. They keep racking up those years but not catching up. If it wasn't for Lauren, I'm not sure that I could even face birthday parties. I'm so with you on this.

Kelly Hafer said...

Oh, I can so relate. On a purely selfish level, I am so glad that you posted this. I have been reading Big Daddy's book and he has this mention of acceptance in the back of it (buy the book people, it's great). And I have been feeling depressed because I am fairly sure that I haven't reached the stage of acceptance yet. And I have been feeling like a total failure because of it. Ok, not a failure, but rather filled with guilt becuase I still have issues accepting the diagnosis, and by virtue of that dx, Ted. It is so comforting to hear others feel the same way at times. So, thanks for helping me feel better. I know you will get over the wall, and carry on smartly. But, again, thanks for posting this. :)

Heather said...

Well we can't all be Big Daddy (or should we want to be ;)) but really I'm so glad to read everyone sharing their thoughts and feelings on this! Big hugs to you Kelly :)

Heather said...

Thank you!

Heather said...

I'm so glad I'm not alone and some wicked witch for having these feelings...

TheRealDaniG said...

 I go through this every single year....