I'll Cry If I Want To.

I've been avoiding my blog for a few days now. I believe myself to be in the midst of a breakdown, a mental one. I'm so overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions I didn't know how to start this post and I couldn't bring myself to blog about anything else until I got this out there.

We had the meeting to go over the re-evaluation Brian had done at the beginning of July. If you are "friends" with me on Facebook you know what day that was because I came home and promptly stated "AUTISM SUCKS" on my status. I left the evaluation just feeling defeated, I guess. Honestly it wasn't anything I haven't heard before yet emotionally I felt like it was the first time hearing my son had autism. Not to mention B's father was there- the first meeting EVER that he has attended and he continues to be ignorant about what autism is and to even agree that B has autism. This month makes it FOUR years since Brian was diagnosed- I'm tired of hearing you are in denial. Grow up and help me raise this child. Another reason this day was hard, I think, was that it included an IQ score- I hate those things. There are no IQ tests that are geared towards a non-verbal child with autism. I was sitting there and I saw how sometimes he just didn't answer you, because he didn't want to. I know he knew them because he does it at home with me.

So I left the evaluation, cried in the bathroom, cried in the elevator and then pulled myself together to ride home with Brian's case manager who had come with me. Then I cried for hours until I fell asleep.

Since then I cry every time I think of the evaluation. I cry when I try to tell someone about it. I cry when I think about autism. I cry when I think about the upcoming school year. I cry all the time.

Today I was talking about school with Brian's speech therapist and his OT. They really don't want him to go back to the school district he was in- me neither. But what are my choices? None of the public schools in the area are particularly on top of this whole autism thing. There are two private autism-schools in the state- both an hour away and both very ABA oriented. Hey, I think ABA does wonders and I wouldn't mind it being a part of his life again but I certainly don't want his whole school day to be revolved around it. I don't want him to ride a "bus" two hours every day. We could move, and that could very well be an option, but the only people I truly trust to watch him are our family members who all live in this area. What would I do if I NEEDED a couple hours for a break? Home schooling came up as they both agreed they believe that is the best possible place for him to be. I agree. I have said for years I wish I could home school him. I know for a fact that I can get more out of him than someone who isn't truly invested in his success. Just look at the fact that I know he knows all of his letters and the sounds they make receptively and expressively and yet others that work with him thinks he only knows 10 letters.

But the home schooling conversation only made me cry more. I don't have the resources to do it- I have to keep going to school so I can have a better job so I can provide for these two beautiful boys.

Okay I got it out. Maybe this will help me move out of this crying stage I've found myself in because it's getting really, really old.