Today I was thinking about why it's so hard for me to care for Brian in crowded places. I mean, besides the obvious, that he has autism. Is it really a personal problem? I have in the past wondered if I just worry too much what other people are thinking. And I know I do. I've also always reminded me that they most likely aren't thinking what I am imagining they are thinking. Most people are too worried about their own lives, or should be, to worry about stranger's. But today I actually heard what other people were thinking and I started to realize that they may be thinking what I always imagined they were.
Brian was in a whole other mood at Corbin's game tonight. He kept going into the dugout when he was told no and he understood. He was looking back and smiling and grinning. I just kept my even tone accompanied with a harsher one to say no, but it wasn't working today. That was a pain in the butt enough, then he decided he wanted some water. I let him have some out of Corbin's bottle and all of a sudden he started dumping it. This is a common thing for him- he loves to see water run out of things. BUT I am tired of him wasting bottles of water- they're not free for one, and second, this was Corbin's water, not his.
I tried to take it out of Brian's hands but the kid had a hold on it like a vice grip and guess where the water ended up going? All over me, of course. I got the cap on with only about 1/10 of the water left and tried to hide it under my leg. He was stuck on it, screaming his head off, doing everything he could to get to the water to finish what he started. I picked him up, me soaking wet, him kicking and screaming,and started carrying him over to our van.
As we walked past a group of people I heard a whole conversation about us- "Looks like he's gonna get some discipline now", "Wow, look at her pants, that kid dumped that water all over her", "Some people have no control of their kids",......
I didn't really think about it much as I had a much more important, heavier issue to think about at that moment and spent twenty minutes in the van waiting for him to forget about the water (I had to drink the rest of it to make him forget it honestly- so I'm not even sure if that was a good way to deal with it but whatever). After that I started thinking about what they said and I just thought, "Who effin' cares. They don't know me. They don't know Brian. They don't know autism. Let them judge if it makes them feel better about themselves, because I know what I do is hard but I know I do it well."
Then, as we walk back to our blanket with me feeling pretty good about it- I see my other son in the dug-out yelling at and pushing his fellow teammates. I walk down and he is totally stuck in the thought that he was sixth in the line-up (he was last game but I knew for a fact he was seventh today) and he had actually hit the girl who was sixth today. He was crying and it took me a while to calm him down- okay I had to threaten him with a "If you don't start acting the way you are suppose to, we are going to leave now" and get the response, "You are so mean Mom", but guess what, it worked.
Okay so at this point, I started to think- Maybe I really can't handle my kids. Because Brian didn't stop. He kept trying to run into the parking area- which is completely new for him- he's always known that area was off-limits. He kept trying to get OTHER people's waters and dump them out and I had to consistently bring him to the van for time-outs, missing half of Corbin's game.
Corbin's team won, Corbin was 3 for 3, he apologized to Catherine and they left each other with a hug, and he has a list of extra chores he has to do for his behaviors today. Brian, on the other hand, I'm at a bit of a loss with. Some of his issues today were definitely his autism, but some of them were purely behaviors. He knew. He was grinning and laughing and plain-old-not-listening. I want to make some sort of discipline for his behaviors as well but I'm not sure how. I don't think tomorrow if I say, "No movies all day long", he will correlate it with the fact that he was being naughty today. We had consistent time-outs at the game but I'm not sure they were enough.
So all-in-all it was a game from hell. I was disappointed in my son's behavior, particularly that he hit someone, and Brian showing this new "acting naughty on purpose" behavior made it nerve-wracking. And worst of all was the fact that I didn't get to enjoy Corbin's game.
But as Mary said, "I'm a wonderful mother. I'm a wonderful mother. I'm a wonderful mother." Mantras really do work and make you feel better. Thanks Mary :)