Thursday, April 29, 2010

It's Not Fair!

I hear that line from my son a lot. I hear it when I lie Brian down in his bed to brush his teeth instead of having him stand at the sink. I hear it at dinner when Brian just needs to touch the new food to his tongue, where Corbin has to actually eat one bite. I hear it when Brian goes to therapeutic horseback riding.

On a bad day I'd like to snap back, "Yeah, you're right. It's not fair that your brother can't talk, that he can't tell me he loves me, that certain foods give him rashes and really bad stomachaches and leaves him so he either can't poop for days or has explosive diarrhea. It's not fair that sometimes things are so wrong for him that he needs to physically hurt himself to feel better, it's not fair that he doesn't have any friends, and that he might never get married or have a family of his own." And on a tirade like that I could go on forever and forever.

But on a good day I agree with him. It's not fair for my little "neurotypical" boy either. It's not fair that sometimes we can't go to activities that Corbin loves because I'm the only adult and I just can't handle Brian by myself at events like those. It's not fair that Brian has no respect for Corbin's toys and has been known to break them in the past. It's not fair that he has a brother, that does love him very much, but doesn't play any games with him like a typical brother would. It's not fair that Corbin's mom has to put so much time and energy into Brian everyday.

Autism is not a fair thing. It's not fair for anyone involved. Growing up one of my mother's lines was "Life's not fair, get used to it", whenever we'd complain about some insignificant problem. I never realized how true that line would be. And that's what we've done- we have just learned to get use to it. Sometimes when things seem like they haven't been fair in a while for my little C I make sure that he gets some one-on-one time with me, because he definitely deserves it. I love him so much and I want to make sure he always realizes that, even when things are not fair.


Christina said...


Dani G said...

He's right. And you're right, too. It's not fair. It's just not.

Bec said...

Life, unfortunately, isn't fair. I think in some ways it gets a bit harder as they get older on the child that is neurotypical. Or it seems that way here. Brae turned 12 yesterday and I have been noticing over the last few months that as good as he is with his brother most of the time, he seems to have slid back on his understanding that his brother is different. The expectations are different to some degree because there are concepts that Thane just doesn't get. Some of it is being almost 6 years younger, some of it being an Aspie.

What's interesting to me is that Braeden is much more accepting of restrictions due to my inabilities to do things than he is of his brother's. I have tried saying that having a mom with disabilities should be just as difficult as a brother with them, but he just doesn't seem to see that. Maybe Thane is just more annoying.