Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Just Another Side Effect

Every so often I check my blog stats.  When I do this I can see which posts are getting the most views, where in the world my readers are located, and I can even see what search terms people type into Google that bring them to my page.

Usually that last section gives me a few laughs, however today I froze.  I reread it again.  I couldn't believe the sudden onset of emotions I felt.

I had read...

i hate being autistic i don't want to go on any more

People who know me know that I struggle with this so much.  I hate autism.  I hate it.  I hate it.  I hate it.  People look down on me for saying it.  They think because I say it I don't cherish and value my son. This is so far from the truth.  I love my little boy more than I can even fathom.  I will always love him with this immensity and intensity regardless of his functioning level.  But do I wish more for him?  Of course I do.

I can see autism as a separate entity from my son.  It is not who he is- it's a roadblock that is making his life harder than others'.  It effects him medically, cognitively, socially, emotionally, neurologically, etc., etc.  

I watched him the other morning throw himself on the ground in the middle of the playground screaming and banging his fists on the ground when it was drop off time.  Did I know why?  Nope.  And I spent the rest of the day wondering what was going on with my little guy.  How unhappy is my little boy?  How confusing is the world around him?  How frustrating is it for him to not be able to tell me what's wrong?

I hope with all my might my son will be able to navigate Google when he's older but I certainly hope that at that point we have eradicated autism as much as possible from his life.  I hope autism isn't making him feel so much of an outcast that he one day feels that he can no longer go on.

Just another side-effect of autism.  Again, I hate autism.

By the way, is there any way to figure out where that specific searcher is from?  I wish I could give him/her a hug and talk with them.  I wish there was a way to show them their own self-worth.


Jen Troester said...

I hate it, too, and get have gotten in trouble for saying that. I appreciate you writing this b/c I also feel that Autism is a separate entity, and were it to be gone I would not lose any of the good parts of K...Autism is only the bad. I wish I knew how to figure out where a search originates. I think there is a way to track IP addresses, but that is beyond my pool of knowledge. Hopefully someone can figure it out...

andre said...

dear heather ! i hope a lot of people will read this... you have a great way of describing life as a mother of an autistic child.thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Cudos!