An Emotional Breakthrough

This isn't about autism but I feel like I need to share it with the world because it may have been the most amazing personal experience I've ever had.

I'm in the midst of a four-day Masgutova conference.  I'm a Masgutova addict, this is only my second conference, but I would just go to one every month if I could.

I'm not going to get into the technique much but the basis of it is you are reintegrating reflexes because our reflexes are the foundation for all learning that we do- social, emotional, cognitive, etc.  If your reflexes are unintegrated you may find yourself in protection or survival mode and when you are there you can not learn.  You may have learned compensations throughout your life but you are not doing it at your highest efficiency.  Please visit www.masgutovamethod.com for more information.

Today we were focusing on an important reflex, tonic labyrinthine reflex (TLR).  I had been waiting for this reflex because I already knew it was off.  My partner couldn't elicit the right response from me and I could feel it in my body that it wasn't right.  She kept working on me and I started to become increasingly agitated inside of my body.  I felt like everything was bouncing around inside of me and it was exactly what I use to feel when I would start having a panic attack.  However, I didn't mention it, because that's how I am.  I don't share, I shut off, and I bottle it up.

However, our instructor noticed my difficulties and come over.  She tried to break it down and even broken down I couldn't get it.  Finally I just blurted, "I don't feel right.  I am feeling panicked and I'm losing sensation in my fingers."

She was excited for the teaching opportunity I was giving and asked if I wouldn't mind being a model for the class.  I didn't hesitate, I was ready for this to be fixed.

I went to the front of the room and she started working segmentally on me.  I could not for the life of me get it.  I was feeling more and more panicked.  She asked me what I felt like and I said that I was on the verge of tears.  As soon as I said it, my eyes watered up.

She asked me to think of a color.  I replied, "Blue".  She asked me to think of an age.  I paused for a second and was thinking to myself, "Age of what?".  I had no clue where she was going with it but my gut told me to say "22".  So I went with it.

She mentioned that though we were working on a reflexive level we are touching on so much more.  When a reflex pattern is stuck it is often tied to emotions.  Most likely this reflex was integrated at one point in my life but because of some sort of trauma I went into protection and became stuck there.

She told me to tell my 22-year-old self that it was okay.  That I was safe now.  That she did a great job of protecting me and now I'm in a wonderful place and have grown to be a wonderful woman.  She could let go.

My eyes watered before, but at that point the tears started falling.  I had no clue where she was going when she asked me the age.  But my body knew.  I was in a horribly abusive relationship since the time I was 17.  When I was 22 I hit the wall.  There was one particular episode with my ex that was horrible enough for me to finally snap out of it and say, "That's it."  It still took me about six months later to leave (I was 23 at that point).  But I can remember the exact episode that I snapped out of it.  All of the emotions from then were just pouring forth.

She showed me a list of opposing reflexes to the TLR and told me to pick which one called to me.  I picked the Moro and this was on a bit of a cognitive level because I do know the Moro reflex is one of our most primitive and plays an important role in feeling safe.

She started to work on my Moro and though my body seemed to understand this reflex it wasn't very strong.  She asked me what my 22 year old self needed to feel safe.  I said, "A coat of armor".  She told me that she had one of those handy and to give it to my 22 year old self.  She then did the movements with me again and I felt this amazing strength come from my core and radiate out to my limbs, yet I felt like I was releasing zero effort.  It's so hard to explain but it was extremely profound.

I sat back up to work on my TLR and BAM!  I had it.  I was safe, confident, my body knew where it's planes were.  And I could do it without even thinking about it and without any effort.

She asked me how my 22-year self felt and I said, "She's relieved, she's gone."  She said give her a gift that is blue (going back to the color she asked me about earlier) and I just blurted out, "The ocean".  All my life the ocean has been my go-to place for me to clear my mind.

I got off the table and I floated back to my seat.  The rest of the day (7 hours later now) I have just felt this amazing inner peace that I have never felt before.  I am calm.  It's so hard to explain but it almost feels like I'm on a muscle relaxant or a pain reliever.  I have never experienced this feeling of calm before.  Ever.

This is my second Masgutova course and my children have had Masgutova work for years but this was the first time that I experienced how profound it can be on myself.  For the past seven years I have had therapies, tried medications, treated with diets, been diagnosed with depression/anxiety/PTSD all because of this relationship I had.  This whole time my body and mind has been in protection.  And this is the first time I have felt any relief.  Like I just let go of an entire load and I'm free.

As I said in the beginning, I know this is off topic.  I know that it's a little "out there".  If I was reading this without the experience I had today I may have rolled my eyes and been skeptical.  However, I experienced it.  And it's so profound that I just had to share.

WOAH!

Last night was Autism Awareness night at the Portland Pirates.

At one point of the night Brian made me aware he needed to use the potty.  I brought him in with me to the women's bathroom.

He threw his hands up in the air and yelled, "WOAH! IT'S PINK!".

I have never laughed so hard in my life.  The walls- floor to ceiling- were a hideous shade of pink.  He took the words right out of my mouth.

Love when my "functionally non-verbal" little boy does things like that.  24 hours later and I'm still beaming about that phrase.

Not born with it.

There's a new "campaign" going on in the facebook world.  

"NOT born with it."

Parents from all over the world are sharing photos of their children with a little bit of a story.  A lot of parents are choosing to share photos of their child before their regression and following diagnosis.

Here is my 1 in 88.  NOT born with it.

At five months old.  

Hamming it up for the camera.  

Loving his Halloween costume. 

Cooing and babbling to the photographer and anyone who came into the studio.

 Loving attention. 

 I got dozens of shots from this shoot with this engaging little monkey.

In fact I have hundreds of similar shots from his first year of life like this.

He was not autistic.  He was not born with autism.  

This is my precious boy at 7 years old.  

Photo shoots result in dozens of shots of this vacant expression and low tone mouth gaping open.

Photo shoots result in crying and tantrums.

He won't respond or look at the photographer.

The smiling shot is a rare treasure among hundreds of photos like this one.

He now has autism.

Something happened to my boy and to thousands of other children.

My boy was not born with autism.

It's Autism Awareness Month. 

Start becoming aware that many children with autism were not born with it.

Start becoming aware that the government seems not to care.

Please visit the Autism Action Coalition and write a letter to your representatives urging them to recognize autism as the national health emergency that it is.

Sixth-sense, Mommy-sense.

A while ago I was at the homeopath and I was talking about Brian and his lack of sleep at the time (he goes through cycles).  I told her that I use to wake up every time he made a noise but lately I will wake up and he's downstairs watching a movie and I panic realizing I have no clue how long he's been up for.

I was probably even tearing up a little bit while I was telling her this.  I love to put guilt trips on myself.  She looked at me calmly and said, "Heather, you are so connected to those two boys that I have no doubt that you would wake up if either of them were in danger.  Your body needs sleep, don't feel guilty about it."

She made me feel better but I still had doubts.

Last night Brian was up around three.  I heard him get up and put on a movie but then I fell back asleep.  I woke up around four, out of no where, knowing something was wrong.  I sprung out of bed and ran into the laundry room because for some reason I knew that was where Brian was.

There he was on shelf four of a five-shelf unit I have.  It's probably about six feet tall.  He was trying to get to some candy I had stashed up on the fifth shelf.

Holy shit.  That's all I can say.  I have no clue how he get up there and I don't think he would've made it down safely if I had not woken up.  I'm so thankful for that sixth sense, mommy-sense.

There's no doubt about it, that little boy and I are connected.  My homeopath knows what she's talking about.

They Get It From Me.

It's no secret that I'm a strong believer that both genetics and environmental factors play a role in Brian's autism.

Sometimes, it's blatant that there has to be some sort of genetics.  At least when it comes to the sensory-processing pieces.

Like, when I absolutely have to wear noise-cancelling headphones to do homework (oh yeah, did I mention that I went back to school this semester because I had such a firm handle on my already busy-enough life?) because I can not, for the life of me, filter out the noises in our home.

Thank goodness I have a small enough head to wear the boys'.  Now that's a style I'm not sure will pick up anytime soon.

Photo Shoots & Autism

Every once in a while I get it in my head that I want to attempt a photo shoot again with the boys.  I buy them new outfits, I get so very excited thinking about how cute the pictures will be, and I deliberately plan on how to keep Brian well-rested and happy leading right up to the moment.

Of course the reality of it is that the new shirts turned out to be too scratchy and last minute have to be traded for black t-shirts.  Brian's stitches won't dissolve so even though I planned the shoot for six weeks after the incident they are still there.  And nothing, not even a lollipop, a train ride, and swimming, will make Brian smile.

The results:

Why the *$%@ are you  making me do this?

Oh, you're going to try to bribe me with a lollipop?  I could roll with that.

"I hate this hat!!!"
(Wish we got a picture of him when he tried to bite his vest off.  Yes, I said, bite it off.)

My favorite pic of Brian.  Corbin on the other hand looks like a goofball.

They're both looking at the camera.  Hallelujah. 

How perfect would this be if Brian was looking at the camera.
Instead he just noticed that Colin came into the room with lollipops.

Not too shabby.  Could be worse.

I am too damn cool to be doing this photo shoot.

Who loves being in front of the camera?

What a ham.

Who needs smiles?  This picture is PERFECT.
Love these boys, just the way they are.

IEPs: My favorite subject.

Dani at I'm Just That Way decided to tag me in a meme this week that is all about IEPs.  Her reasoning was that I'm super tough when it comes to IEPs.  I haven't always been that way, I don't always feel that way, but I'm glad it comes across that way!

Today is the perfect day for me to post about this as I was busy reorganizing the boys' folders.  Multiple folders. This is an example of what I pack to IEPs:

Special Ed regs, binders full of evals/reports, copies of communication, etc.

 So this is the rules from the original meme about what I'm suppose to share:

Brian:  

Brian has quite the list of aids, services, modifications, and supports.  He needs to be provided with a visual schedule, regular gross motor breaks, sensory breaks every half hour, 1:1 adult support at all times of the day, a quiet work space within the classroom as needed, visual communication board (his alternative to PECs that we are seeing great progress with), home/school communication book that is filled out each day in 15 minute increments so I know exactly what he is working on, and weekly behavioral consultation notes from the behavior specialist.

In school he receives specially designed instruction at 3.5 hours a day, 90 minutes a week of speech, 60 minutes a week of OT, and 60 minutes a week with the behavior consultant.  He also gets consultation from speech, OT, behavior consultant, and augmentative communication consultant on a monthly basis. Once a week the entire team meets to discuss Brian and to make sure they are all on the same page.  

Corbin:

Corbin has in his IEP that he is to be able to use a word processor for writing and visual aids for all aspects of the classroom (he needs a step-by-step visual schedule for most things).  Though Corbin has as much, if not more, sensory-processing difficulties than his brother it has been hard to get them included in his IEP.  However, we have implemented a ton of sensory stuff this year which have helped immensely!  He is now allowed to chew gum in the classroom and he is no longer coming home with shirts soaked from the cuff of the sleeve to his shoulder.  He had noise-cancelling headphones that he wears during all independent work.  He has fidget toys at his desk and theraband attached to his chair.

He gets 300 minutes a week of specially designed instruction that includes his extra help for reading and writing AND his time working in his accelerated math program which is in addition to his classroom's math curriculum, 60 minutes a week of OT, and 60 minutes a week of speech.

Another important thing that I have worked out with Corbin's classroom and resource room teacher is allowing Corbin to do most of his reading work on non-fiction texts.  Corbin loves non-fiction and will only check out books such as almanacs from the library.  He gets it.  He does not get fiction.  I know, he needs to get it at some point, but I also feel like he needs to be able to enjoy reading for him to be able to make any gains in it.  So right now he is doing about 75% of his work on non-fiction texts and the rest on fiction.



I am happy, for now, with both boys' services.  Could they be better? Yes.  I am still dying for them to take into account their dominance profiles and put them into their IEPs.  I'd also love for their OT to do some manual reflex integration rather than concentrating on goddamn handwriting.  I'd prefer a different behavioral consultant.  But compared to where we were in September, I have to say I'm very pleased.