Friday, April 13, 2012

An Emotional Breakthrough

This isn't about autism but I feel like I need to share it with the world because it may have been the most amazing personal experience I've ever had.

I'm in the midst of a four-day Masgutova conference.  I'm a Masgutova addict, this is only my second conference, but I would just go to one every month if I could.

I'm not going to get into the technique much but the basis of it is you are reintegrating reflexes because our reflexes are the foundation for all learning that we do- social, emotional, cognitive, etc.  If your reflexes are unintegrated you may find yourself in protection or survival mode and when you are there you can not learn.  You may have learned compensations throughout your life but you are not doing it at your highest efficiency.  Please visit for more information.

Today we were focusing on an important reflex, tonic labyrinthine reflex (TLR).  I had been waiting for this reflex because I already knew it was off.  My partner couldn't elicit the right response from me and I could feel it in my body that it wasn't right.  She kept working on me and I started to become increasingly agitated inside of my body.  I felt like everything was bouncing around inside of me and it was exactly what I use to feel when I would start having a panic attack.  However, I didn't mention it, because that's how I am.  I don't share, I shut off, and I bottle it up.

However, our instructor noticed my difficulties and come over.  She tried to break it down and even broken down I couldn't get it.  Finally I just blurted, "I don't feel right.  I am feeling panicked and I'm losing sensation in my fingers."

She was excited for the teaching opportunity I was giving and asked if I wouldn't mind being a model for the class.  I didn't hesitate, I was ready for this to be fixed.

I went to the front of the room and she started working segmentally on me.  I could not for the life of me get it.  I was feeling more and more panicked.  She asked me what I felt like and I said that I was on the verge of tears.  As soon as I said it, my eyes watered up.

She asked me to think of a color.  I replied, "Blue".  She asked me to think of an age.  I paused for a second and was thinking to myself, "Age of what?".  I had no clue where she was going with it but my gut told me to say "22".  So I went with it.

She mentioned that though we were working on a reflexive level we are touching on so much more.  When a reflex pattern is stuck it is often tied to emotions.  Most likely this reflex was integrated at one point in my life but because of some sort of trauma I went into protection and became stuck there.

She told me to tell my 22-year-old self that it was okay.  That I was safe now.  That she did a great job of protecting me and now I'm in a wonderful place and have grown to be a wonderful woman.  She could let go.

My eyes watered before, but at that point the tears started falling.  I had no clue where she was going when she asked me the age.  But my body knew.  I was in a horribly abusive relationship since the time I was 17.  When I was 22 I hit the wall.  There was one particular episode with my ex that was horrible enough for me to finally snap out of it and say, "That's it."  It still took me about six months later to leave (I was 23 at that point).  But I can remember the exact episode that I snapped out of it.  All of the emotions from then were just pouring forth.

She showed me a list of opposing reflexes to the TLR and told me to pick which one called to me.  I picked the Moro and this was on a bit of a cognitive level because I do know the Moro reflex is one of our most primitive and plays an important role in feeling safe.

She started to work on my Moro and though my body seemed to understand this reflex it wasn't very strong.  She asked me what my 22 year old self needed to feel safe.  I said, "A coat of armor".  She told me that she had one of those handy and to give it to my 22 year old self.  She then did the movements with me again and I felt this amazing strength come from my core and radiate out to my limbs, yet I felt like I was releasing zero effort.  It's so hard to explain but it was extremely profound.

I sat back up to work on my TLR and BAM!  I had it.  I was safe, confident, my body knew where it's planes were.  And I could do it without even thinking about it and without any effort.

She asked me how my 22-year self felt and I said, "She's relieved, she's gone."  She said give her a gift that is blue (going back to the color she asked me about earlier) and I just blurted out, "The ocean".  All my life the ocean has been my go-to place for me to clear my mind.

I got off the table and I floated back to my seat.  The rest of the day (7 hours later now) I have just felt this amazing inner peace that I have never felt before.  I am calm.  It's so hard to explain but it almost feels like I'm on a muscle relaxant or a pain reliever.  I have never experienced this feeling of calm before.  Ever.

This is my second Masgutova course and my children have had Masgutova work for years but this was the first time that I experienced how profound it can be on myself.  For the past seven years I have had therapies, tried medications, treated with diets, been diagnosed with depression/anxiety/PTSD all because of this relationship I had.  This whole time my body and mind has been in protection.  And this is the first time I have felt any relief.  Like I just let go of an entire load and I'm free.

As I said in the beginning, I know this is off topic.  I know that it's a little "out there".  If I was reading this without the experience I had today I may have rolled my eyes and been skeptical.  However, I experienced it.  And it's so profound that I just had to share.

Thursday, April 12, 2012


Last night was Autism Awareness night at the Portland Pirates.

At one point of the night Brian made me aware he needed to use the potty.  I brought him in with me to the women's bathroom.

He threw his hands up in the air and yelled, "WOAH! IT'S PINK!".

I have never laughed so hard in my life.  The walls- floor to ceiling- were a hideous shade of pink.  He took the words right out of my mouth.

Love when my "functionally non-verbal" little boy does things like that.  24 hours later and I'm still beaming about that phrase.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Not born with it.

There's a new "campaign" going on in the facebook world.  

"NOT born with it."

Parents from all over the world are sharing photos of their children with a little bit of a story.  A lot of parents are choosing to share photos of their child before their regression and following diagnosis.

Here is my 1 in 88.  NOT born with it.

At five months old.  
Hamming it up for the camera.  
Loving his Halloween costume. 
Cooing and babbling to the photographer and anyone who came into the studio.
 Loving attention. 
 I got dozens of shots from this shoot with this engaging little monkey.
In fact I have hundreds of similar shots from his first year of life like this.
He was not autistic.  He was not born with autism.  

This is my precious boy at 7 years old.  
Photo shoots result in dozens of shots of this vacant expression and low tone mouth gaping open.
Photo shoots result in crying and tantrums.
He won't respond or look at the photographer.
The smiling shot is a rare treasure among hundreds of photos like this one.
He now has autism.

Something happened to my boy and to thousands of other children.
My boy was not born with autism.

It's Autism Awareness Month. 
Start becoming aware that many children with autism were not born with it.
Start becoming aware that the government seems not to care.

Please visit the Autism Action Coalition and write a letter to your representatives urging them to recognize autism as the national health emergency that it is.